You Should See What My Friends Do
by yuffiehighwind
Summary: Things don't go very well the morning after Dee sleeps with Charlie. Takes place during my fanfic "We Are Nowhere and It's Now." Charlie/Dee.


**Summary: **Things don't go very well the morning after Dee sleeps with Charlie. Takes place during my fanfic "We Are Nowhere and It's Now."

**Notes: **This takes place between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 of my fanfic "We Are Nowhere and It's Now," immediately following the night Dee first sleeps with Charlie. There are references to Dennis breaking up with Dee sometime between Chapter 2 and Chapter 5 of "We Are Nowhere and It's Now." Charlie/Dee. See the bottom of the page for more notes.

* * *

**You Should See What My Friends Do**

Sweet Dee woke to the sound of a blaring car alarm, startled out of a dream about Dennis, who berated her with hateful words (_"You're worthless, Dee. How could I ever love you?") _that morphed into a grating honk. Dee lifted her fist to punch him, but she was immobilized - frozen and forced to watch her brother laugh at her expense, mouth wide making that horrible noise.

Dee opened her eyes and looked around. She was safe in her bed, no Dennis to be found. She groaned. Her head _killed._ She had been up all night drinking, hadn't she? Dee rolled over, pulling the blankets tightly around herself, but they snagged on something. She reached over to feel what could be to blame and her hand hit flesh.

Dee sat up, saying, "Oh my God." It wasn't an exclamation so much as an exhalation. She covered her mouth, feeling sick. But that could have been the booze. Surely there were worse things she could find in her bed. A skunk. A severed horse head. _Snyder._

A snoring Charlie Kelly lay tangled in the bed sheets. Drool ran down the corner of his mouth and onto the pillow. Dee loathed to hear Charlie's shrill voice when she woke him - sounding smug or just as shocked - and simultaneously wanted to shake him, demanding he explain what the hell had happened.

Dee snuck into the bathroom first, taking in the sight of her bird's nest hair and rumpled t-shirt - stained with what might be dried beer and might be something else. Her only other items of clothing were panties and socks.

This wasn't good.

Dee quietly padded into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water and pop an aspirin. The living room was unusually messy, as if there'd been a party with more than just two guests. Then again, her companion had been Charlie. He was like that kid Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown - dirt following him wherever he went - which was ironic for a janitor who took pride in keeping Paddy's Pub as clean and pest-free as possible.

It was time to wake the sleeping beast.

"Charlie," Dee said. "Charlie, wake up."

The man woke, mumbling, "Huh, what?" He squinted up at her and said, "Hey Dee. What's up?"

Dee thought of all kinds of things she could say, from offering Charlie breakfast and coffee to kicking him out of her apartment. Instead, she asked, "What happened last night?"

Charlie blinked.

"You don't remember? We got trashed and watched a movie."

Relieved, Dee exhaled. "Oh thank God," she said.

"And then we had sex."

Dee's eyes widened.

"You really don't remember?"

"What the fuck, Charlie?!" Dee exclaimed.

Charlie scooted away from her, probably because she had clenched her fists and given him a deathly glare.

"Calm down," Charlie said. "It was your idea!"

"Please tell me I was shitfaced."

"Well...I _think_ you were more sober than me. I didn't even want to do it, but it felt good, so I just kinda let you do your thing, and-"

"Shh! I don't want to hear any more!"

Dee stood up and began to pace. So it was true. She'd banged _Charlie_. But why? Why would she ever do such a stupid thing?

"Are you okay, Dee? You look like you're gonna throw up."

It was all coming back to her. How good it felt to have someone be nice to her. Who would, unquestionably, do whatever he could to please her.

Who she could _control_.

Charlie was the opposite of Dennis, who needed to call the shots and make every one of Dee's decisions for her. Sure, the two men were both completely out of their minds, but so were Mac and Frank and Dee herself. And Charlie may not love her, or want her, but with the right grooming be could become loyal to her.

Or they could just be friends, like normal people. Charlie would stop shitting on her whenever she was vulnerable, and stop being as cruel to her as the rest of the Gang. Hadn't that been what they'd been doing the last couple of weeks? Being kinder to each other? Usually that sort of partnership dissolved within a couple of hours.

Alcohol helped. Drugs and alcohol always helped.

Dee left the room, calling over her shoulder that he was stinking up her bedroom and should take a shower. Sniffing his armpits, Charlie reluctantly agreed. He would probably make a mess in there, like he had in every other room in her apartment, but the idea she had slept with him in his natural state disgusted her. Best get him into the habit now.

Not that she would ever, ever, _ever_ have sex with Charlie Kelly again.

* * *

A nude, damp-haired Charlie, who now smelled faintly of oranges, emerged from the bathroom and wandered into the kitchen. Dee exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" and shut her eyes. "For fuck's sake, Charlie, put some clothes on!"

"Alright, alright," he said, exiting the kitchen and returning in boxers and a t-shirt.

Dee's toast popped and she smoothed some jelly over it while the coffee maker gurgled. Making himself at home, Charlie opened her fridge and pulled out one of the last bottles of Yuengling.

"Beer for breakfast? Why does that not surprise me."

Charlie took a long pull, then said, "I've seen you down two pints before eleven."

"Yeah, well," Dee said, unable to come up with a retort.

"You got any Fruit Loops?"

"They still make those?"

"Of course they do. What's this?" Charlie asked, rifling through her cabinets and removing a box of Kashi "Go Lean" Crunch. "What's all this healthy shit? What ever happened to pancakes and bacon and sugar-packed cereal?"

"Our thirties happened." Dee grabbed the box and put it back in the cabinet. "I hate to have to say this, Charlie," she said, not hating it at all, "but you should probably leave."

The man frowned in disappointment - even looked a little sad - and said, "Okay, yeah. I'd...better get going. Frank will be wondering where I am."

Charlie fetched the rest of his clothes and got dressed, stuffing the hash pipe and what was left of Frank's weed in his pocket. He stood by the couch with his brow furrowed, looking lost.

"Yeah, so, I'm outta here. Bye, Dee." Charlie headed for the door and Dee let out a sigh of relief.

The man popped back into the kitchen about 30 seconds later.

"Ya know what, Dee, I've got a question for you," he said angrily. "What the hell was up with last night, huh? You were acting like a completely different person. First you're kissing me with no explanation, then you're insisting we have sex, even though I don't want to. Then you're acting all, like, lovey dovey and shit while we're banging. Then you get angry when I say the wrong name..."

"Waitress?" Dee chuckled, which served to mask her horror.

"...and then you're saying shit like, 'Ooh, come inside me Charlie! I want to-'"

_"What?_ Are you telling me we didn't use a condom?"

"Well, no. I figured you were on the Pill."

"You have got to be shitting me. I stopped taking it two months ago!"

Dee lunged forward and grasped Charlie by the shirt, pulling him closer to growl menacingly, "If I have any deformed Kelly babies because of this, so help me God-"

Charlie narrowed his eyes at her. "You'll do what, Dee?"

"I'll rip off your balls and throw them out the window to feed those feral cats of yours!"

She let him go, shoving him backwards until he tripped over some empty bottles and fell onto the coffee table.

"You're a huge bitch, ya know that?"

"What else is new?"

"I think you used me," Charlie said. "To make yourself feel better."

"Why else does anyone have sex?"

"Love."

Dee laughed mirthlessly. Her heart beat only for Dennis, and every loathsome word from her brother's mouth caused Dee to believe in love's existence less and less.

"I don't love you," she said.

"I didn't think so. But I thought you liked me."

Dee didn't respond, just silently watched Charlie storm out of her apartment.

* * *

_"Um, is there anything I can do?"_

_Dee grabbed her t-shirt from somewhere under the coffee table and pulled it on. Still naked from the waist down, she sat beside Charlie on the couch._

_"Yes," she said, smirking. "Yes, as a matter of fact, there is_._"_

_Dee guided Charlie's hand, only removing her own once he got the hang of it._

_"Just like that," she said. "Don't stop."_

_"I wasn't planning to," Charlie said, and when she opened her eyes, he was grinning at her._

_Dee relaxed, melting into the couch. For a while, all she could hear was the sound of their breathing, until the thumpa thump of music vibrated from somewhere up above them._

_"Dubstep," she murmured. "Fuckin' hipsters."_

_"They were playing jazz earlier," Charlie said._

_"Oh really?"_

_"At least I think it was jazz."_

_"You do have an ear for music." She said this with no sarcasm, then remembered who she was talking to. "Don't tell anybody I said that, Mr.__Dayman__."_

_Distracted by their conversation, Charlie went off rhythm and Dee had to place her hand over his to get him back on track. A few minutes later, they brought her to orgasm together, and when she turned to look at Charlie he surprised her with a kiss. Still riding the high of her orgasm, Dee pulled Charlie closer and deepened it. She could have sex with this filthy, hairy munchkin a second time, she was so desperate to have someone who wouldn't walk all over her, like Dennis. Not that she treated any of her own partners well. She could no longer remember if she had loved any of them._

_"I'm tired," Charlie said. "Let's go to bed."_

_"Okay," Dee said, putting on her panties. Charlie took her hand and led her to the bedroom. They curled up under the covers - not exactly cuddling, but not avoiding each other's touch either. Cuddling with Charlie would be even stranger than sex with him._

_As she succumbed to sleep, Dee hoped she wouldn't regret this._

* * *

**Additional Notes: **

*Waking up with a severed horse head is a reference to "The Godfather."  
*Snyder was the fake talent agent Dee slept with in "The Gang Broke Dee."  
*Pig-Pen is a character from the comic strip Peanuts, who is perpetually surrounded by a cloud of dirt and dust.  
*Yuengling Lager is a brand of beer that's brewed in Pennsylvania. It is so popular in the Delaware Valley that you can order "a lager" and the bartender will know which one you mean.  
*The title is a lyric from the song One Night Stand by The Pipettes.


End file.
